Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
