I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
