I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
