I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
