i don't like sucking hair
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
