I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
