I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
