last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
