watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
