And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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