Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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