How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
