saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
