and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
