You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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