No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
