The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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