Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
