Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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