i jhust puked up my retainher.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
