My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
