I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
