Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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