do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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