Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So much rum. So many feels.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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