What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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