I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
