Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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