I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
