lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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