You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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