...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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