i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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