how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
