I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
