Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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