Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
