i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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