you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
