I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
