The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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