Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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