she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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