he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
