who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
