So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
third nipple confirmed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
