I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im six kinds of drunk right now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
