I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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