dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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