Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
