I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
