those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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