Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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