people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
