FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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