You really coming over, don't trick.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
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You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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