I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
