No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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