So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
