I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
