Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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