Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
